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Monday, November 29, 2010

generosity in a young Spirit

I’m so proud of mother. I’ve been watching our 18 month old son today, and I am in awe of his sense of generosity. The idea of limitedness is unknown to him. He has no concept of there being “not enough” and because of that he gives freely, assuming that there will always be enough for him as well. He gives his favourite chocolates to his sisters, his pudding he dishes out to me, and he even gives pasta to the cat. He loves to share.
I can’t help wondering when, and if, this natural yearning to give will fade. If he will start to feel like he isn’t getting enough, or that something is too good to let others try it. When will he get the survival of the fittest instinct and try to only take care of himself? Will I be able to postpone that, by feeding the joy he gets when others take part in his offerings?

It’s an interesting thing. We as a society have a perspective of babies and toddlers that isn’t fair. We have a tendency to see them as animalistic, or uncivilised. We think that they see their own wants and needs as more important than others, and that consideration has to be taught, like a subject at school. But here our son is, with an engrained instinct to share his joy with the people he loves. Hardly animalistic or primordial.
We have a small herd of goats, and on the very same day of our son’s overwhelming generosity, my husband was commenting on how our darling goats would do anything to each other to get the most grain. Animals are the first to push, shove and run over each other to get the most out of the bucket or bowl in front of them. I can’t think of any species in the animal kingdom that would stand aside and offer the feed to the ones they love.
Now I love animals. I’ve always been an animal person. When our dog left last month, for a different journey, it broke my heart and the pain still lingers, however, I find the difference in their perspective on the matters of love, very interesting.
Abraham Hicks often talk about the “beasts of our planet”. They say they are more aligned with spirit than us humans. They don’t expand the same way as us, as they don’t have the same contrasts, challenges, ups and downs, as us. They see from the perspective of spirit more often. However, I can’t help wondering now, about the missing elements of generosity, of satisfaction, of helping others and the joy of consideration.
We’ve always only had one “rule” in our house and that is of consideration. Its lead on from the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have others do to you.” (simplified to treat people how you WANT to be treated.) It thrills me that our little boy has been born with consideration as a pure instinct. More than instinct, an inner desire that he sees as fun and play. Did our daughters have the same instinct, and I just didn’t notice it at the time, so couldn’t foster it to the fullest? Did I assume that since they were young they were like the “beasts of the planet”? I hope not.
As it is, I will foster consideration and generosity in all our children. If they offer me things, I will take it, thankfully. I will try whatever they make up for me, and when they ask me to take the last of the chocolate, I will say thank you as well as partake in the sharing joy myself… and split it equally amongst us.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Getting children to clean...or not

I've been taking part in a few forums and parenting advice columns over the past months, and I thought I would post some of my answers as blog posts.

My six year old refuses to pick up after herself and its turned into a battle of wills. What can I do? I’ve tried to coax her and even punish her by taking toys away if she doesn’t clean them up, but nothing works. It feels awful. What will work?

Short reply, nothing will work. Sorry, not what you expected right? The truth of the matter is your child is expressing her own individual opinions and experience and to force her to stray from that purpose, will never feel good.
Now that doesn’t mean she will never pick up her stuff and it doesn’t mean that she’ll need you to trail behind her picking up stuff for the rest of your life. You have to make this a momentary thing in your mind, without resentment, anger or frustration. You’ve said acting with force feels awful, well choose to feel better no matter what and do what feels good. When you are looking at your child, see what brings you joy and step away from the temptation to constantly tell yourself you’re the victim of a slob. Distract yourself from the situation, and appreciate your life. Feel better and then deal with it.
No one likes to pick up or clean, so really neither will your child. I know mine don’t, however I also know that I have a tendency to rush around cleaning and get rather stressed doing it. I notice a big difference with my children if I am making it fun with music blasting and with a little more of a laid back attitude. But often the pick up time becomes a battle of wills between you and them and at a certain point you have to ask yourself whether it’s worth the peace of your house and the happiness of everyone in it.
Now, it doesn’t mean you offer it as a choice, “to clean or not to clean” rather you take the sting out of the question so that the rebel can have a break from rebelling.
Therefore, this is what I find helps.
Stop asking for any help for at least a week. Clean everything up really well on one day, and store away the stuff that doesn’t get played with or drives you crazy to clean up. Make your child’s space really clean. She will notice most likely and really appreciate how easy it is to find everything. Mention to her that you would really appreciate it if she could try to keep it looking like that, as you’ve worked hard and it’s a waste of time if it got messy all at once, especially as it looks so much better now. Than do a general pick up every day just to keep it neat. When the week is done, do a good clean again. Your child might get bored with you doing all this work with no time to play or explore with her, so start making suggestions such as “Why don’t you take this cloth and clean your table, it will make my job faster so we can play after.” When she’s done, ask her to dust or clean something else. I’ve gotten into the habit of making a pile of toys to be taken upstairs and asking my daughters to take them up. They do this without objection as it’s a simple job, they feel good doing it, but it’s also done quickly. When the jobs are done, praise and thank your child, telling her you really appreciate her help and she made your job so much easier.
No matter what it feels good to feel good, and soon your child will find she likes the sense of responsibility helping out offers her. If she flatly refuses to help, than says it’s alright (and mean it, we’re not manipulating here) and clean away. However, don’t mind throwing out stuff, or getting rid of papers and things from her room. Don’t throw out anything you know for certain in important, just clean it to your specifications, but hers. This is simply a consequence for not lending a hand and many a time I’ve accidentally thrown out a memento or note of my daughter’s much to her disappointment. Soon, they will realize that they can protect their stuff better if they simply put it away.
A good thing to remember in all of this is that children like specifics and clarity. Therefore, rather than using a general statement like “can you clean up your room?” Try asking if she can “pick up her blocks.” Or “pick up her puzzles.” When one simple job is done, you can ask another. It simply takes a bit of brainwork on your part to come up with the little jobs which we, experienced cleaners, take for granted and see the bigger job all at once. When your child gets fed up of helping, don’t make her feel bad for not wanting to continue, simply thank her for what she did and let her go off to play alone.
We are setting up life long thinking habits in our children. If cleaning and work become about struggle, misery and fighting, then naturally they are going to grow up avoiding them. However, if we can make it pleasurable, easy and stress free, than that will spread to all corners of their lives. Who knows, maybe after awhile, you will have a passionate little helper and your only complaint will be that she won’t let you do the dishes because she loves to do them!

Question of a restless baby

I've been taking part in a few forums and parenting advice columns over the past months, and I thought I would post some of my answers as blog posts.

Our son wakes up several times a night. He has been eating solids for about 2 months now but I'm also still breastfeeding. It had been suggested to us from several sources that he could be hungry so we increased his food intake during the day. Anyhow, I've been told by many people to just put him in his own room and let him cry it out but that just doesn't feel right to me so I'm trying to find other ways. What do you think?

First I would like to commend you on following your instincts on the “crying out” technique. Some people seem to think that if you pick up a crying child you are spoiling them, but there’s no other way for a baby to let you know that his life is less than perfect at that moment.
If you believe it is hunger that keeps waking him up the best thing to do is to test it by stuffing him before bed. If he is over 4 months, oatmeal is great as a filler as is rice. If you eat it too, your milk will be more filling too, Hemp is actually breast milk’s greatest friend, you can get it as a butter or buy the seed hearts. It worked a dream on all my children.
The old school technique of letting a child “cry it out” is the result of seeing your child as a thing rather than a human being, If your child isn’t crying because of hunger, tummy ache or needing to be changed, then quite frankly, it’s an emotional problem and leaving him to deal with it on his own is planting a seed for a bigger problem down the road. It is the act of a parent who wants to control their children, rather than nurture and comfort them in their times of need.

There is a range of things that could have sparked your child’s sudden fitful nights. Teething, witnessing something that didn’t sit well with them, stress in your life that he’s sensing, even change in the weather, anything that is new can sometimes be scary. The important thing isn’t to figure out what is troubling him, rather it’s to provide him with security and a sense of wellbeing so he can explore his way through it.
This can start throughout the day. Pick your child up, even if he’s not crying or fussy. Make sure he’s getting a lot of playtime with you and laughs a lot. Then at night, settle him down quietly with his usual routine, without any stress from you about how he goes to sleep, and without wondering for how long. Just lull him off gently and let him sleep in his own crib if he has one. If he wakes up screaming, comfort him immediately. When he’s asleep you can try putting him back in his own bed if you like, but if your instincts tell you not to, then consider letting him sleep on the couch (with a barricade to stop any rolling off) or somewhere near you while you do whatever you do in your off time. Then put him in his bed when you go to bed yourself.
This sounds like a recipe for disaster according to many baby books however it worked wonders with our son.
When he was about 5 months, he started teething really bad and he also seemed to be insecure or frightened about something. I would put him back to sleep in my arms. However if I tried to put him down, he woke up right away. So he slept in my arms while I tried to work for about a week. After that week I was able to transfer him to the couch beside me and then I would bring him up when I went to bed. Then, a week later, I tried just taking him back to his bed when he went to sleep and by the middle of the third week he felt totally secure to be on his own again. He’s never looked back and there was no habit formed. Really all that happened was that our son was having a scary time of it and I made sure he knew that everything was alright, and when he was ready to move on from his fear, he was ready to go back to being alone in bed.
There was one trick. I had to follow my instincts and I had to be able to distinguish them from my own desire. Some nights I longed to put him straight back to bed, especially when I needed to get things done and he was in my arms, however I knew my arms was where he needed to be. So I shifted focus and enjoyed it. However, soon I was enjoying having him in my arms or beside me on the couch and again I knew he should be in his bed even if for some reason it was inconvenient. You and your child are connected. Therefore it is possible to connect in a way of understanding what he needs and follow that small voice within you that is truly the best of parents.
When you are dealing with a frustrating situation with an infant, such as wake ups, then it is always important to see him from where he came from. Your child is just getting use to being in a human in a physical environment. He needs time to adjust and to get use to the world we live in. Things that we take for granted may at first seem strange and scary to him.
It is my belief that if you follow your instincts then you won’t form any bad habits along the way and you will in no way be spoiling your child. Rather, you will be instilling within him the foundation of having a loving and caring parent, who understands him and will see him through the tough times and support him through the good. Now, doesn’t that feel good?

Question of behaviour

I've been taking part in a few forums and parenting advice columns over the past months, and I thought I would post some of my answers as blog posts.
The following one is regarding badly behaved children.
My four year old son's behaviour is out of control. Whenever I tell him to do something he always talks back calling me a name and say's he hates me. On the playground he calls other kids names that really hurt and then he throws things at other kids. What do I do about this?
First, you have to ask yourself a hard question. Is the way your son talking coming from things he hears around home? Does he hear a lot of angry vocabulary and is it a regular habit of people to shout that they hate something? Don’t shirk away at the answer. It’s not irreversible. But admit it if it’s the truth as it will lead to a different way of dealing with it. For instance, you can start to tell him “I’ve decided our house is too angry lately, I’m going to start telling people I love them more and really focus on the good things in our life.” If you feel that he’s been picking it up at home. If you know for a fact this behaviour isn’t coming from you, than ask your son where he hears it from and what he thinks about it.
When you’re child screams at you and says he hates you, first stop everything and calmly ask, “really? That’s strange because I REALLY LOVE you.” Then ask him what the matter is and why he’s feeling so angry. Children need to give their feelings labels so they can recognize where they are emotionally and where they want to be. We all need to learn how to shift our feeling places, but from a young age children can learn to look for ways of feeling better. What a tool for life! So when your son tells you he HATES YOU, after asking why he feels that way, listen well to his replies. Stop the rhythm of a fight, and calmly say “you seem so angry and frustrated, I hate that feeling. Are you okay? Can I help you feel better?” Chances are when he sees your open arms he’ll cuddle up, if he doesn’t then just tell him you are always there to help him feel better, he just has to ask. Don’t get offended by what he says to you. Any meaning only goes skin deep. It’s just that he’s got some feeling of frustration or anger within him which needs to be addressed. Don’t let your hurt feelings cloud the issue. Give him lots of love at this point, even if he’s driving you up a wall. Hug him if he lets you, tell him you love him and praise him whenever you see him do something well. In fact focus on things he does well and praise him for them constantly. The point you are trying to get across to your child is that you understand he’s going through something, you are his parent in order to help and you want to help him feel better. But even at 4 he has to be willing to feel better and you are there to help him find a way to do this. Distract him from his own misery and bring him to a place of joy. He’ll snap out of his anger for a bit, which gives you the chance to then talk about what happened briefly.
The “I have control” route in parenting can seem like the easy solution. However, didn’t we all hate it when our parents took this upper hand? It doesn’t actually provide any tools for our children. Rather it just builds up rebellion. It is so tempting to tell our child to just do what we tell them, but in the long run this creates more stress for us when they don’t listen and more frustration in them as they feel their ideas don’t count for anything. Rather than telling yourself you have a bratty kid, tell yourself you have an opportunity. A chance to teach your child about emotion, the importance of recognizing how they are feeling and in doing so working step by step to feeling better, and how to deal with how they are feeling without hurting those around them. Yes, you have a great opportunity here, and perhaps, your child’s behaviour is an indicator to the fact that he wants you to help him find a way to let go of his anger and resentment.
When your child is feeling a little better it’s a good time to introduce the Golden Rule in order to deal with his treatment of other people. I find that spieling off “Do unto Others as you would have others do to you” is too much of a mouthful, it flies over little ones heads. Therefore I always say it as “treat people as you would want them to treat you.” I stress the WANT and point out its not, as they DO treat you. When I’m asked why, I simply answer “because, no matter what, you get what you give.”
The introduction to The Golden Rule can provide a great vantage point for you in dealing with your child’s behaviour with other children. When you see him hurting someone else, quietly pull him aside and gently remind him of it by asking “Is this how you want people to treat you?” and then add “remember, you get what you give.”
Relax in this, and know that it’s not a thing to get right, just something to challenge you both to feel better. So remember the little things that make you glow about your child, separate it from the part that drives you crazy, see him as who you dream he can be and treat him as that rather than a bad kid, and he may well surprise you.
And by the way, he doesn’t hate you. He just wants to let you know there’s work to be done and he wants to do it together.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

children's art and work as indicators

I’ve always encouraged our daughters to write and draw what’s in their hearts and if they don’t want anyone else to see it, that’s perfect and to hide it somewhere safe. However, sometimes when straightening up stray pieces of art or writings come my way and I quickly grab them knowing that they don’t mind if I read them and also aware that they are like pictures of where our girls are mentally and spiritually and they are good tools.
The other day I picked a rough draft of a story off the floor and was surprised to find it was one written by one daughter, but a close replica of one our other daughter had written. As I read it through I was suddenly struck wondering, is our eldest feeling slightly overshadowed by her sister that she wants to copy her work?
We’ve been making a big deal about our youngest daughter. She has been very introverted for her young years, but her writing of stories and songs, her singing, her imagination, blows me away constantly. Since turning 7 this year, she’s really come into her own.
However as I sat there, re-reading this story I started to ponder on other copying situations I’ve been seeing lately. I talked about it with my husband and we came to the conclusion. The balance of self esteem was shifting and we needed to build up on the other side now.
It’s so easy to box our children in. We get a picture of who they are, what they are good at, what they aren’t, and how they act, firmly planted in our minds, and if we’re not careful we lose so many opportunities to get to know them better.
After the story incident, which neither daughter knows took place, we’ve been making a point to let our eldest explore herself more, to be praised more, pointing out things she’s done well as well as encourage her to try out different things, and make more choices. She’s stayed up late a few nights, came down for snacks and mom and dad time. We’ve made her feel welcome to try out some other things too, including singing and being recorded, which is what her sister loves to do.
She had her first session today, and after years of us saying “she’s the dancer’ we were amazed to find she had perfect pitch. She also loved every minute of it and the satisfaction in her eyes was priceless. With just a little bit of effort in noticing indicators of possible jealousy, or dis-satisfaction, and then to follow our instincts on it, we re-found the balance and you can tell our eldest is back in her own again, feeling herself and not copying anyone.
You can tell balance is restored, by one look in her eyes, by the play she partakes in, by the pictures she draws and the words she writes… oh yeah, also by the fact she’s not asking every few minutes to play computer games to zone out in front of in order to escape.
I hope our daughters one day choose to keep a diary and I promise to never read it. But for now, drawings and a few writings left here and there are like gifts from the gods, tools offered to help me help themselves.

Friday, November 5, 2010

cat litter is not a toy

Uh oh. We’ve hit that stage rather quickly. Where does the time go?
Our 17 month old is at the height of exploration. He’s got amazing focus, and when he zeros in on something he wants, he wants it with every core of his being. When its something alright for him to have, its amazing to watch him fly. He savours everything he explores, he relishes in the pride of it, he appreciates with every ounce of his being.
Well today, him and I had our first disagreement. He decided to make mud pies in the house and not with mud. Rather, he discovered the cat litter tray. I thought he was playing quietly in the corner, when I realized he’d found a empty play doh tin of our daughters, and was using it as a scoop to take cat litter and dump a small powdery pile on the floor, than one on the bookshelf, another in another corner. I had piles of cat litter everywhere. I tried to tell him no, to explain that it was dirty and he had to leave it alone. But even when the message was clear that he wasn’t suppose to play in the Cat litter (of all things!) he burst into tears, and through sobs went to play again.
I was having a pretty disconnected day today myself. I was feeling a little overwhelmed and not having the usual control on my thoughts that I usually like to have. When suddenly presented with cat litter piles all over the place, it was hard not to lose it entirely. But now, after a little practice, I know to remind myself to get connected even a little bit before saying a word.
He looked up to me with his little scoop, he looked so lovely, so proud, so in the moment. I suddenly remembered that he didn’t know why this pile of dust wasn’t clean while sand etc is given to him to play with. I got the broom and gave him the dust pan and we cleaned it up together. When he proceeded to go back to dig it out again I picked him up, small play doh tin in hand, and headed out the door.
He sat on my lap, sobbing, upset that I had taken his game away. I took the play doh tin and started using it the way he had, except this time in his usual pile of soil, that has provided hours of entertainment for mud pies. I told him it was a good idea to use the tin, but in this pile, not the cats. I asked him if he wanted to try and with his usual look of understanding he grunted his beautiful “yeah.”
He loved his game, I just had to find a more suitable venue. After a bit, when he came back in, he never even gave the cat litter another glance. The game had run its course, he didn’t need to fight for it. I just made it work for the two of us. For a few minutes there I thought it was going to be a battle, a huge war over who had the stronger will power. But in the end, he was happy to meet me half way, and I was more than happy to meet him there too.
Its so easy in those moments to see a child as a problem, as in the way, or impossible to control. But like all of us, they have things they want, and they can’t understand people for telling them no. However, that little shift, telling him it was a good idea, that he’s a smart boy, and then distracting him for a few minutes did the trick.