Monday, May 23, 2016

The 3 Sources of Guilt

So over the past few weeks we’ve been looking at guilt and how to listen to your own inner guidance webinar, but in truth I know how a scheduled event can cause stress and a replay can sit there for awhile, always as a “I should watch that.”
system. I presented the three sources of guilt to you in the
(ugh, and then that leads to feeling guilty for not watching something about feeling guilty! That really takes the cake.)
So, I wanted to share with you the basic points discussed on Saturday, just for quick reference.
Because that’s what guilt is about. It’s about reference. It’s about knowing the sources of the guilty feelings and then weighing it up to see if it resonates with your authentic self.
So, here are the three types of guilt we discussed the other day:

Socially Implied- the feeling of the raised eyebrow when your house is messy. The feeling of your mother’s eyes on you when let your child down from the table without finishing dinner, or the feeling of ickiness when your child is having a tantrum in public. Socially implied guilt comes from all sorts of directions and comes from when others, (friends, family or strangers) suggests we are doing it all wrong and we absorb it as truth. We feel guilty and are suddenly sneaking around breastfeeding or shuttering when our children don’t say excuse me that ONE TIME. We also find it when we assume others are thinking things about us, even if we know its true or not. When we feel people are thinking we are losing it or not doing a good job, when we allow those reflections to undermine ourselves.
Remedy- Reminding ourselves that everyone else has their own journey and that this is our own, frees ourselves to make our own mistakes and try out our own approaches. “Be yourself, everyone else is taken.” Times have changed and our parents approaches, or our grandparents’, were based on adifferent understanding of what a parent is. Therefore, why should they understand why we are trying something different. Children being seen and not heard still has a ghost like presence in the minds of so many and when children are taught to be the people they really are, it can scare others that they did it wrong. Trust in your own processes and know yourself. Trust in other people to have their own processes, life journeys and mistakes... even if they don’t get it from their perspective.

Personally Inflicted- Probably more deepseeded than Socially implied, personally inflicted guilt is generated within ourselves. We can have a concept of a “Parent’s” job and, because its thought through and not based on an authentic version of ourselves, it becomes full of “should’s” I should be able to work, play, discipline, cook, clean, mend, drive, schedule, sew, afford and love... and practice mindfulness, self care, meditation and yoga. When we miss a step on our imagined “should”, we feel guilt, which can then lead to a feeling of failure, unworthiness, and insecurity. It’s a spiral of guilt, which leads to us trying to do everything and doing nothing, and watering ourselves down in the process. We miss out on our authentic parenting experience, because we are too busy trying to be something impossible to be.
Remedy- Drop deep within yourself and allow yourself to be the person you came to be. Take a moment to release yourself from the prison you’ve created in your mind, observe your life experience rather than trying to control it. Who Are You and what’s authentic to you? When you allow yourself to show up as yourself you can feel your way to the best choices and decisions. Don’t like cooking... your child really won’t suffer if you can’t bake a cake, they just don’t like hunger. Don’t sew... then don’t. Can’t find time to meditate, realize that even focused play can be mind altering meditation, when you align in you moment and focus on fun. Be you, find you and radiate as You. And forgive yourself for those things that are someone else’s journey.

Spiritually Indicated
Not a guilt at all. Rather, it is the an indicator of our inner guidance system.
We are spiritual beings and our spirits are always there giving a heads up, directions and a general sense of GPS. When we start down a road that won’t lead to the right direction, we have a fellow driver that gives a nudge and says.. “not this way, turn around.”
Its not berating or mean, it will never undermine our intelligence or make us cry. Rather its simply a nudge in the right direction. It feels good when we acknowledge it.
Spiritually indicted “guilt”, is felt not thought. It builds us up, not knock us down. It supports Who we Really Are and doesn’t ask us to blend in.
It shows up when we’ve practiced being spiritually aware and built up our sense of where we’re heading.
In fact, it is the remedy... it doesn’t need one... because it’s not a negative feeling.
It comes from love.
During the webinar we also talked a bit about the law of attraction and how guilt can become an attraction point and about neural passage, with guilt becoming a habitual pattern.

So, now what?
Well, freeing yourself from guilt is truly about setting yourself free... no one can do it for you... but you can have support to start re-programming how you feel about your choices and making sure you are coming from your authentic self.
I’m trying to find the best way to support you on this journey and one way I’m offering is through a 4 week program for 8 participants. We’ll meet each Saturday and have a private FB group too, so we can really dig deep and change some negative chatter which feeds the guilt. It starts June 4th, just in time for Summer break and right now is only $77 USD for all 4 weeks. That’s less than $20 a session and you’ll be having 1;1 time in the sessions, discussing your specific scenario, within a supportive group of people feeling the same way.
I’m really hoping we can take our community to this next level. It’s going to be so liberating and exciting to work together.

For more information you can visit here. Registration takes place there as well or you can email me at with any questions.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

The Law of Attraction behind hosting a webinar

Sometimes resistance is... just a little bit of a pain in the neck.
As you may know, on Saturday I hosted my first webinar on google hangouts.
Now can I just say I used to consider myself quite good at technology. I’ve designed websites, I jumped on using the internet really quickly... hey I used to help edit home videos with double vcrs. I learnt quickly... until webinars.
For some reason, I’ve been trying to figure this out for awhile and getting nervous about it.
But someone told me, just jump in and the rest will follow so I jumped.The webinar went fine. It was a little like having a phone call with a toddler as I was trying to juggle managing the workings of the hangout which wasn’t co-operating at the same time as relaying information and talking through my points. Sadly, my Q& A component wasn’t working and that was incredibly frustrating... and yet so understandable.
Why? Because, even though I might be a coach in the law of attraction it doesn’t mean I don’t hold up the wrong sign occasionally. And quite honestly, I was nervous about the process, and the process gave me what I asked for.
It was a blip. The replay is readily available and technology is technology. No catastrophe, just a learning curve. But I had to laugh to myself at how resistance to something always plays a part in the results.
So, where else does this show up? What little things do we hold resistance to, that doesn’t necessarily provide such blatant proof?
Probably lots of things.
From getting enough sleep, to our children liking the food we make, to even feeling guilty. When we hold up a sign of something “going wrong”, although it might not go as hard as we expect it, it also won’t go as smoothly.
So, yeah, my webinar went well and the next one will be even better. And the next... and the next...
Life is a process; a delicious, learning full, incredible process and the idea that something has to be perfect the first time is one of the plagues of mommy guilt in the first place.
Because, unless you remember your past lives thoroughly, this is a first-time round. This is the first time you’ve been in the place you are. So claim it, ride it, and appreciate it.
Because around the corner is round number 2!
Want to check out my first webinar... here it is.

And I do have an exciting new project that I talk about in the last 5 minutes of the video!

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Mother Day Guilt

So, we’re talking about guilt!
I mentioned last week that there are 3 kinds of guilt and we’ll be looking at them deeper over the coming weeks, but I wanted to draw a little attention to one of them... the self guilt... because for many moms its Mother’s Day this weekend and well, guilt can always play into any celebratory day.
So, as a mom, we can often feel like we give and give, and leave nothing for ourselves, so when its a time to celebrate, well ourselves, we claim “My day! I want a break.”
But then, we feel guilty for actually asking for that.
And we feel guilty for wanting that in the first place.
And we feel guilty when we feel upset for people not offering it and we have to ask.
And we feel guilty for needing it... as if we aren’t up to being the mom we want to be.
And, well, I think you get the picture.
And so, as with everything in this guilt themed couple of months, I’m here to shout Stop... and give yourself the space to forgive and love yourself.
Whether its mother’s day where you are, or not, I want to send you this small message on the wind.
I want you to feel it caressing your soul, your heart, and providing you with relief.
“Lovely Woman. Breathe Deep. Today, look in the mirror and applaud yourself. You are doing wonderfully. You have brought children into the world and are offering them a platform of love and support. You are allowed to also be Yourself...because that is who you came to be... and that is who your children chose to come to. They didn’t chose a cleaner, cook, or playmate. They didn’t chose someone to teach them how to do right or even how to be themselves. They chose you for you.”
Now, from that space... celebrate being a mom. Without forced sleep-ins or presents. Without “should” or “shouldn’ts” It is the have-to’s that create guilt.
So, celebrate Yourself, by dropping into the space of who Yourself is. Who are you, as a mom and as a person? Take that moment to appreciate all you are.
Remember the law of attraction? Well, ironically, when you take the focus from the Shoulds of celebrations, and focus on feeling good, the rest of the day takes care of itself. One feeling good moment to another.

Now... still struggling with guilt? Don’t forget to sign up for the webinar “Free Yourself From Guilt” as we break down all three kinds of guilt and deal with them directly!

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Too Guilty to be Perfect

To the woman at the playground today. I’m sorry.
I know that it might have seemed like I was kind of staring at you and your daughter as you struggled with your young son in your ergo carrier, and she was struggling with putting on her shoes, and was scared of going back on her bike.
I know you felt like I was judging you, but I really wasn’t.
I know you were trying to get everything together because you were feeling embarrassed, but you really didn’t have to be.
I was only trying to see if there was any room for me to help. I was pondering if I would be interfering if I was to help your daughter tie her shoes... or help you do the strap on your ergo.
I was trying to let you know, we’ve all been there and that I know how frustrating it can be.
I was trying to send you love and hold space for you.
And yet, I could feel the guilt you felt and the sense of failing and wanting to flee the scene.
I wanted to tell you; We’ve all been there. You have nothing to flee from.
We’ve all had those moments. The “I’ve got to get home, my baby is getting hungry, I’ve got to make supper, and contact those people, and get to that meeting and oh, my god, why will she not get her shoes on...” moments.
We’ve all had to walk away to find peace.
So, the next time, you feel weird about being at the park and having one of those moments, don’t feel embarrassed or weird. Ask a mom for help, or trust that we’ve all been there. Know that it will get easier, and soon you’ll find the grove where you look at your older daughter and ask her to help with your straps and then you can help her with hers.

I wish I had been more articulate and said this to the young mom I saw at the park today. Having had the topic of guilt come up on the Spiritually Aware Parenting Facebook group this week and seeing how guilt taunts and haunts most of the members, it’s safe to say it torments all of us. Somewhere along the road of time we’ve learnt that we should be no less than perfect, and that with ever growing to-do lists, distractions, jobs, and studies about spending time and attention with our children, it never seems there’s enough time, let alone perfection.

So, we feel guilty for not being able to achieve the impossible.
Oh, and then we feel guilty for taking a few moments off from trying to be perfect.
We’ve got ourselves in quite the vibrational trap, don’t we?

And, as we find out more and more about what we “should” and what we “shouldn’t” be doing, and the more articles friends and family kindly tell us about to point out our misgivings the tighter we wind ourselves, and the more we lose sight of Who we Are... and the parent we really want to be.
We feel guilty if our house is messy, or if we haven’t spent time with our kids, guilty over being on too much screens, or not reading enough, guilty about cleaning too much and not playing enough, or playing too much and having dishes in the sink. We feel bad if we think our parents, neighbors, and strangers disapprove, but deep down know we need to approve of ourselves and so we feel bad because we don’t even know what we feel is the right course any more.
 Phew. With such a tug of war on our attention it’s no wonder we have problems focusing.

And so, it’s time to call a truce. It’s time to forgive ourselves, clear the space in our hearts and minds and truly decide what’s important to ourselves and our families... guilt free. Guilt free so we can feel what our Spirits, our Source and our sense of selves are trying to tell us what to do. Guilt free so we can feel our way to the right solutions.

And Guess what? We’re going to do it together. I’ve got a few things to sort out and then I’ve got some big announcements to be made. Here's the link to the first step!
I can tell you right now that May and June of 2016 are destined to be exciting months, liberating months, which will release you from guilt and into a space of intuitive clarity and authentic concepts of the real “shoulds” in your life. So you can enjoy your children’s play without feeling bad about dishes, and enjoy your thoughts when doing chores, without feeling guilty for something else. We’ll even clear guilt of taking some self care time, where you and yourself can spend some time together, without feeling like it’s too large of luxury.

Stay tuned. (I can’t express how excited I am!)

Monday, April 18, 2016

5 Steps to Less Screen Time

It’s everywhere, and yes, even sometimes in my own house.
Screentime overdose.
It doesn’t take all of the studies that exist to know that our children, and ourselves, are glued to our screens too often. We’re missing out on present moment living due to computers, smartphones, and television. Remember how on weekends, streets used to be lined with children playing? Now, often residential areas are like ghost towns, just because everyone is stuck inside.
And it’s not just our children. We can’t say it is. Facebook and notifications distract us from our family and we offer nothing but an example of distraction; distraction from life itself.
I would love to say that I was a parent that had kept electronics from my children. I was so close, our daughters were 8 before they had ever tried a computer game. Living off grid for a long period of time, without highspeed internet, had kept everything pretty limited. But then we moved, got busy, they had homeschool programs online, we got a shop, and soon our boy wanted to take part in games with his sisters... boom. We were lost.
It happens. It spirals. My last hooray is staying away from smartphones simply because I don’t want to tempt myself.
Life. That’s what’s at risk here. Life and tools for life. I’ve felt my way to the point that, for me, it’s not about keeping my children away from technology, it’s part of their generational make-up, rather I need to help them use it with awareness. We have the opportunity to offer our children solutions, awareness to their focus and attention, as well as, hey, a serious amount of fun play  time. Life flips by while we scan newsfeeds and cat videos... not to mention the numbing effect of violent video games and the emotional turmoil experienced by children in the name of entertainment.  But what’s scarier... if something can be... is the fact that “if you don’t lose it you lose it.” If you don’t know how to follow passions, interests, and wonderment, you lose the ability to experience it at all.
So, here’s my list of 5 things you can do to start curbing screentime. (and please note, there’s not really any “enforced” abandonment of screens entirely. In order to offer awareness and tools for life, we can’t simply restrict and take away. In many ways that simply encourages our children to do it anyway, but not get caught. However, it also means that building awareness takes some time. This isn’t a quick fix and it shouldn’t be. Its foundation building and therefore, a little time makes it a little stronger.)

1)      Play with contrasts.
 Start to draw attention to the emotional affects on each other of computers and games and even tv shows. Become the experiment. As a family, what happens if you only do screens after lunch or at certain times? What happens if you only go on AFTER you go for a walk and get some exercise... why does it feel better? What feels better? How does it affect how you feel and the general feel of the house? Also, if you’re struggling with television screen time, talk about the different feelings of different shows. What do fast and loud shows feel like, compared to slow ones? Look for differences in behaviour when your children are taking part in one form of entertainment and another. When you take part with the contrasting experiences your children aren’t feeling TOLD what to do or feel, but are observing it themselves and then can start to make conscious decisions on what works for each person. This is Screen/emotional education.
2)      Find alternatives.
When we don’t use it, we lose it. If we just tell our kids to get off of the screen, chances are they will be baffled at what to do instead. This isn’t 30 years ago, when childhood was filled with finding things to do. Our children live in a time when they are told what they can do. Chances are few of us still feel comfortable with our children taking off and not telling us where they are going. So, what do they fill their days with? What interests them, sparks them, excites them? What about hobbies and crafts and a huge stack of wood out the back that they can make whatever they want out of. Providing alternatives is providing opportunities... and what’s surprising is that, with those opportunities and alternatives, they rarely want to chose the screen instead. CREATIVE LIVING... is the name of the game.

3)      Be the example.
 It’s true. Each time we don’t know what to do with ourselves and we choose Facebook instead (my personal demon) of finding something creative ourselves... even just playing with our kids, or meditating under the stars, we are saying that life needs to be distracted from. Each time we say “just a minute” because we are surfing the net... we give the permission for our children to zone out on a screen. Ouch. But so true.

4)      Do a family challenge. No Screens (NONE!) for a week.
 Go camping, turn off the wifi, turn off the electricity, do whatever it takes. But just get away from it for one week. Stock up on books and board games... go on midnight walks and crazy times. Have fun. Let awareness build all by itself.

5)      Turn your attention to your children’s time OFF of screens. The truth is that the law of attraction works with everything and the more we notice what’s not working, the more we notice it... more and more and more. Same too though, the more you notice what is working... the cuddle up bedtimes when you talk together, the morning breakfast when everyone chats, or the walks with the dog when everyone gets exercise, the more those will happen, and the more you will notice. If you are totally focused on how much your family is in front of a screen, then no matter how much everyone tries to get off of them, you’ll never notice. The Law of attraction makes it so. So, start looking out for the moments of connection and play... you might be pleasantly surprised.

Monday, April 11, 2016

The Blame Game

Reconsider what you are saying when the sentence starts with the word “You”.
I told this to my children early on and hold it as a personal principle.
Why? Because, words hurt, but also the way we use those words, the tone and order we place them, conveys meaning and intention deeper than we can imagine. As a writer and energy sensitive person I feel words deeply and value how they make me and others feel... especially when it involves loved ones.
“You hurt me.” “You made a mess.” “You’re too loud.”
On an energy place these phrases feel so off, so targeted and separated.
The meaning can easily be expressed without the feeling of judgement.
“I got hurt.” “This is messy.” “Let’s be quiet.”
Ah... so much better.
And it can work with naming others as well.
This came up in a FB thread I was part of last week. A woman couldn’t understand her husband taking offense and feeling unsupported whenever he tried to deal with their son’s tantrums. He always did it in a way that rubbed the woman the wrong way and she would always tell her son, in front of the dad...
“I know Daddy upset you and hurt your feelings. He wants you to come to dinner. I know you want to play.” Ouch.
Pronouns can be used to build and support... or crush and demoralize, especially if we have hidden resentment or anger towards the other person. Their name, or the infamous YOU, can serve as a dagger, without any fingerprints.
“Imagine rephrasing it, so it didn’t paint anyone as the bad guy.” I wrote the woman. “Imagine saying... I know you want to keep playing, but we are having dinner now. I’m sorry if you got hurt feelings, we just need you to come to the table. We’ll play together after.”
No accusations, no mixed messages to their son, no guilt, judgement, or criticism. Maybe not as satisfying, but definitely more loving.
Just the “Royal We!” As someone commented. Yes, “we” resonates so much better.
But when we are used to the blame game how do we find the alternative? How do we shift from the place of accusation, when we feel it is simply taking the blame on ourselves?
We shout “why should I take on the blame when it’s not my fault?”
By simply choosing to radiate love instead and removing fault all together.
State the situation, say how you feel about something, but by removing the blame, you keep mistakes, simply that; mistakes, missteps, learning experiences.
Imagine when you were little and you were doing something you probably shouldn’t be and suddenly you break a family heirloom... or a vase from the dollar store, whichever. You feel badly enough, and silently decide you should have been more careful. You’ve helped clear it up, said sorry to your mom or dad, and learnt from the experience.
Then someone else asks about the vase and you hear... “(your name) broke it.”
You feel sick, guilty and un-forgiven. You will never live it down.
All it would have taken is “It got broken.”
Hearing that, you would still feel responsible, you would reconfirm your promise to take more care... but you wouldn’t carry the shame for life, just the lesson.
Also, imagine being the parent, and feeling the words pass through your lips. It simply feels better to let go of the blame, and stay general.
When we follow our hearts and joy we realize it’s better to feel happy than right. Pointing out who is doing what falls low on the feeling good list, just as the feeling we have to make our children feel small for them to be controlled. Simply altering a few simple words can make it about learning, or working together, vs control, blame and laying guilt.
“YOU”... or the accusing name blame game... replaced with a general situation explanation.
Is the difference between our children being raised with insecurities or self awareness.

Monday, April 4, 2016

What Spiritually Aware Parenting can look like.

As I was sitting at the park yesterday, watching all three of our children playing in their own style )I love how my 13 year old still plays wildly at the park, in her 5’10” height and her fashionista manners... she resonates with herself, willingly leaping on top of any swinging bridge or seesaw. She’s not worried about other people’s opinions, and it’s that gift that gives me some comfort in seeing her grow up so quickly) another scene caught my eye... my people watching skills couldn’t help but notice, an older gentleman and his, what must have been, his twin grandsons. He was with two other people, but his focus was on the boys... not on them, rather WITH Them... his focus was with them, and I watched in wonder as he logged off from everything else and simply enjoyed their play.
It reminded me of the downloadable guide, called “4 simple steps to pushing the Reset Button.”I have over on my website. Broken down in 4 easy steps, memorable by being in 4 “L” letter words... the steps take you from chaos to connection and help you find your inner compass again. Well, the first “L” step in my guide is to LOG OFF, and whereas it can literally  mean to log off, to get off of Facebook and Twitter and draw your focus into what’s in your moment, this man reminded me of the spiritual focus that can come from logging off from your outer world and logging in to your children’s.
The second “L” is to Let Go... again, it means what you will it to. Let go of results, let go of stress... breathe and allow.
The third “L” is Listen... to yourself, to your children.
And the Fourth is to Love.
This Gentleman, in the 5 minutes that I watched him, seemed to capture the essence of all 4 steps and it was a beautiful thing to see.
He came into the playground, and called to the boys to try out the seesaw, he wasn’t scattered in his thoughts, scanning his phone or even the other children, he simply talked to them about how the seesaw worked and how wonderful it was that they were the same size, so it would all balance out.
One of his friends came up, and rather than engaging in some “grown up” talk, they both started discussing with the boys how gravity worked on their bodies if they swayed to the centre or pulled away. They talked about not getting off too quickly, but to talk to the person on the other end so no one got hurt. The talk was focused, not scattered, no one rushed for words or stressed out when one boy almost got off from the top, and both men felt free to talk with each other... not just scatteredly to each other. Everyone was engaged and focused.
The children both learnt so much in their time there and the gentleman was so grounded in Who He Really Is. He wasn’t hesitant, but joyful. He didn’t question himself or others rather he was within himself in the moment and his focus, his moment was being spent with his two grandsons. Mind chatter and ponderings were being put on hold for another time.
We all get stressed sometimes. All of us. We all get scattered and chattered. We all get in knots.
But awareness of how we feel is a burst of fresh air to the soul. It reminds us of the power of the moment, where life resides.
When I first started giving people the 4 “L” points, they felt horrible when they forgot them somewhere in their downloads as if reading it through a couple of times was a magic solution to stress. Rather it’s an on going process absorbing the steps and imputing them into our daily habits. Sometimes it takes the image of an older gentleman, patiently enjoying his two grandsons, controlling his focus and giving attention to his moment and not questioning where his focus should be to remind ourselves what Spiritual Aware Living really looks like.
We all get stressed sometimes, I’m sure even the gentleman in the park has his moments, but it’s with the awareness of how that feels that we can find that logged off focus, when we can let it go, listen and love. It’s an ebb and flow kind of growth... and one that thrives better when it’s down with support and community.
I appreciate that gentleman, wherever he is, so much. For he radiated a grounded peace throughout the playground that day and reminded me the power of focus, logging off, listening and most of all Love.

If you want to download the guide to Push the Reset Button, you can find it here