Learning along the way

I've been meaning to write a blog post for awhile and in my wanderings today I realized that it's been over a month since my last post. That will never do! Life has become hectic with my daughter now in school, and loving it by the way. We miss her so much and it has changed the dichotomy of the house terribly, but I don't know if it has ever been so perfectly timed.

I suppose this is bound to be a strange post as really, there is so much that I am learning at the moment. I originally sat down to write a post regarding manners, but that one might need to wait.

I think somehow I've always been a bit of a controller, and since the journey of Spiritually Aware Parenting I've been learning to release that little by little. I am reminded everyday that our children are spirits, people in their own right, on their own journey, with their own connection, their own attraction point, their own powers of creation. As you know from my last post, our eldest deciding to try school had me torn. In so many ways I was upset, almost hurt. I could have felt like a failure, if I didn't keep reminding myself she appeared to be two years ahead of the rest of the class. Her deciding to attend went against my plan to have this really happy homeschooling family, where everyone was happy being together, playing, learning, laughing. Suddenly, there she was, claiming "I need more." Her journey took a side step from the collective one of the family and she claimed her own guidance system. It was a devastating blow to my pride and one I am so PROUD of her to have taken. Since she has taken it I've watched as our relationship has shifted and grown. Whereas over the past few years she pushed away from me, not wanting to express things and wanting to act grown up, since entering this new world she has climbed on my lap at various times when it was too much, asked for help, told me school gossip and joked around with me. I feel free with her to not be the big mamma, rather we are becoming great friends as well as mother and daughter. I see now that it is what I always wanted. I was trying to push us into it with the idea of being a happy family. But Source found a way to make it come organically from who my daughter and I really are. What I am so impressed with, and surprised to my own embarrassment is our daughter's ability to be herself both at home and at school. Each day we ask the questions "when did you feel most yourself today?" and "when did you feel the least yourself?" She always answers with such clarity, such knowledge, she thrills me. They are really very hard questions to answer and yet she nails it every time. Whereas growing up I often felt that my parents worried that I would stray, that I wasn't strong enough to not just go along with the crowd and in return I was beginning to fear it for our daughters, I am thrilled every moment when I see her being herself, and standing strong to trust herself. At 9, she blows my mind.

    Then there's the daughter who swears she's at home with us for the rest of her life, who goes to her sister's school to pick her up each day and trembles when a teacher speaks to her She blows my mind as well. A week into our new routine and I suggested to her that perhaps, our eldest's decision to try school was a co-creation from the whole family. In no way did we want it to happen, but in its happening we created a moment in time for our second daughter and I to spend time together, to get to work together, talk together and play. The middle child scenario is such a commonly talked about thing, and I find it almost scary how so many of the clichés appear before my eyes sometimes. The need of attention, the insecurities; for a child who everyday has been told she is beautiful and incredibly clever, our second child loves to feel the contrast in life. She feels everything so strongly. Her joys fill every part of her being until she is near shaking, her fears and stresses crumple her to tears. She lives in her now, entirely. So often I have felt over the years that life is too fast for her, that as a group she doesn't get to be heard as often as she should, and that a sister who is only 10 months older sometimes acted 10 years older. I am so thankful that the opportunity has come up to really let her play. We've done sensory tables meant for 2-3 year olds and well after our 3 year old son has gotten fed up, our 8 year old is passionately enjoying herself. We're working on the Oak Meadow curriculum together, and rather than myself reading to her, she reads to me, pages and pages, and begging for more. She loves the fact that there's no rush for my attention, that I will sit there listening to her voice, she savours in sharing her favourite stories with me. Each morning we begin with circle time, a time for reflection and for yoga and connection. We both love the reverence of it all. She too is thriving as herself, learning how to express herself more and more. She flabbergasts me when she clarifies what is bothering her or how she feels. She is so smart and I feel instinctively that she needed grounded focus, that often our house turns into a whirlwind, but she needed some stabilizing routine and time for her. I love how she plays and how she uses that play to focus what she thinks and believes. By trusting in the universal powers and going by what felt right not what we "planned" for our family, we managed to find the perfect moment for our second daughter. The moment to be herself without her older sister watching, the moment to take things slow and not feel like she has to be anything other than the wonderful girl who can play like a little girl and read and study like a much older one, the moment to think, to question, to be heard. Oh yes, it's very good indeed.

    But what about our little boy you may wonder? Yes, he too is ever expanding, ever growing. He's decided he doesn't like where we live. Is it because his sister now goes to school or because he wants a trampoline? He's restless, bored and ready for his own expansion. He says he wants to go to school when he's older, but when reminded that he can't breastfeed there, he says I will come too! He wants to be big, but still nurses at night. Yes, our little boy is conflicted and doing a growth spurt, with huge leaps in his talking, and yet a pause in his potty training. When his sisters were his age and going through this stage I would panic. I would find something new, introduce some new program or activity, trying to push them into the New, but our little boy has taught me trust. I am eager for his next stage, to see him jiving again, but I also know the process is vital. I make the request for something I can do to help him grow to connection again and the other day when he asked me to build a car from blankets on our bed I said yes and we played for over an hour. We went pretend shopping, we fixed the car and helped his toy dog feel better. I would sometimes read in the trunk but I was there when he needed me, listened to his plans and my spine felt that lovely tingle that tells me he's connected to his source within.

I'm learning so much on this journey of parenting. Our children are teaching me that I can't be in charge of their journeys. I can only offer them tools on connection and feeling better. On the other hand, it is the most wonderful feeling in the world to watch them feel their way through stuff, to see them look at the brighter side and find the At Least points to it all. To see them feel off, and then work to feel on. Whereas the controller in me might yearn to be more involved in Who They Are, to help form them, and decide things for them, to tell them what to think and to believe, I love the feeling of letting that go and knowing that they are themselves already and deciding things for themselves as we all decided for ourselves. We are portals for our children and we are her to love and support them, and getting to be with them and seeing them as Who They Really Are, is the most wonderful feeling in the world.