Someone asked me today what my “goal” is in the work I do, and an image flashed across my mind.
It was a pregnant mother to be walking into a spiritual bookstore in Glastonbury over in the UK.
The woman was me.
14 years ago, my husband and I were expecting our first daughter and like some excited school girl I danced into every bookstore I could find, looking for that tool, that golden compass which would help me find the spiritual path I knew pregnancy could be. Up until that point, I’d avidly gobbled up every spiritual book I could find. Before meeting my husband, I’d Marianne Williamson’d, Deepak’d and Dyer’d. I had gone old school with holy books and philosophy leaders and on the flip side, had watched Oprah until the sun went down. I’d even been a screenwriter for a spiritual television
It seemed like pregnancy should be the same. It felt like parenthood was a holy rite to be passed though and I wanted to meditate through labor and teach yoga to her before she could walk. She would be enlightened and know all the tools I’d been gathering for years, so her life would be golden.
But, I hadn’t counted on the fear, socially inflicted doubt and the fact that my life had sped up and I already felt I was running out of time!
I felt rushed as each trimester passed...I talked and read what I could find but I felt I would never have the quiet I craved and the more I craved it, the more I didn’t know how to savor it when I found it. I felt like a runaway train was behind me that hollered “She’s coming soon and you aren’t lined up yet. Line Up!”
My feeble attempts to have small rituals or make things sacred for our daughter, were done for my own outward show, trying to convince my fearful heart that I would “get it right”, while I really felt that I really didn’t know what I was doing, or who she was, or who I was going to be as a mom. I wanted to enjoy that time... but it was flying by and tainted with morning sickness. I felt like I was having a shadow experience of something I wanted with all my heart.
I sometimes felt so guilty for feeling like I was failing her and she hadn’t even been born yet.
And so, I wandered into bookstores, looking for the book that hadn’t been written.
And I kept aimlessly looking for a couple of years.
2 daughters later I decided it was time to slow down and tap into the inner resources I’d known all along was within me, but I’d been too nervous to look before. I’d have to dig deeper than I ever had. I’d have to be vulnerable and push back the veil.
For some reason, I thought that parenting was something everyone had figured out already, and I should play by the rules. I might have found true love across the ocean by mere instinct and without any dating experience like everyone else. but parenting... surely I was safest following other people’s lead.
But I finally got it. I couldn’t play a role and feel authentic to myself. I couldn’t have the spiritual experience while pretending to be something else. Trying made no sense. My girls, my husband and I were going to have to live a different story. The veil had to be pulled back. The real me had to emerge.
And so it began... oh it was shaky for awhile I can tell you. The philosophy had to be invented as going, and with a daughter who had iron will, I fell back into old habits more than not. I screamed, I shouted, I guilted and I even shamefully spanked as my own reaction to the lack of control and dictatorship I had (I mean everyone else said I should be in control, was I really supposed to give that up?)
But little by little I remembered Who I was... and who I wanted to be. I remembered I was connected when I felt good, and if fighting felt bad, it wasn’t good.
So I started passing on tools to the girls as I practiced them again for myself. Exercises, games, stories, anything that could offer them emotional awareness. Homeschooling provided us with the best platform for emotional awareness lessons and life tools.
And then I got pregnant with our son.
I went back and redid pregnancy, the way I had wanted to in the first place. I rewrote the experience and connected to the source within my son by 16 weeks. He was my eyes and ears to how the pregnancy was going. It was enlightened.
Everything rolled together and kept rolling. Our girls were learning how to feel, and to follow their hearts. They became sensitive to how the law of attraction brought in what they were feeling. They became in awe of the world around them, and integrated spirit and magic into near enough everything. The world made sense on a deeper level for them. They did yoga, and learnt how to meditate....
Scratch that... they’d always known how to be the incredible spirits that they are.
Along with our son, they taught me how to allow and move through stages rather than force them.
Behaviour became an indicator of how they were feeling about themselves not how “bad” they were and my stress was a sign that I needed to connect to ME, not to find fault in Them.
There wasn’t any pressure to pass on wisdom, I got to learn some. I got to play more, I got to laugh more.
Life finally slowed down and I could enjoy it feeling fulfilled and authentically me.
And that’s my goal for my work. I want for as many of you as possible to find ease in the chaos and speed of the day. I want you to feel so much deeper than the routine and daily chores. I want to empower children to look for the deeper route in life and to have emotional awareness, knowing themselves so they can navigate through it all. I want love, laughter and ease for everyone.
Is that too much to ask? Maybe. But not too much to try.
Its right around the corner, you know? Just pull aside the veil and see what’s there.